how i have evolved in 2008

some days, i get so tired that i "concuss" on my bed around 9-10pm and wake up suddenly at 3+am, feeling guilty that i haven't done much work. would then try to do some work til 5am before bed beckons again and i desperately nudge into slumberland. i hope this doesn't become a regularity!

i am not as carefree as i used to be, i suppose. the days of throwing aside my homework assignments and going out to play are long gone because work is usually on my mind. so many things to do, so little time, not enough attention given to students, omg what am i doing?! occasionally, i have to remind myself to switch off. it's pathetic.

but not so pathetic that i can't hang loose lar. i like it that i watched 2 seasons of Scrubs in January. haha. anyway, i hope my anxieties don't escalate.

i get quite upset when i can't show videos in class due to IT failings. i try to hide my disappointment but i get rattled. and it shows in my mannerisms. so much for wanting to be unflappable. haha. i am disappointed because as much as GP tests rationality, I want my students to feel. perhaps they can't do anything with regard to the ongoing genocide in Darfur but i hope these images stay in their mind and will prompt them to help out, given a chance.

i don't have the experience to just yak away for 1 hr plus, like seasoned tutors. and i am not sure i want to, based on how i used to "switch off" during GP lessons. haha.

some times, i leave the classroom, feeling like crap because i know that wasn't the best lesson. (and i am not even a perfectionist. haha!) but i have come to a stage where i won't beat myself too much over it. i realise that i am quite stubborn. i wanna make up for this lacklustre lesson. the next lesson would be better. so alpha male behaviour sia. i wouldn't have thought it myself.

i am a tough cookie. i will prevail. and even if i am struggling, i die-die also must act as if i am coping fabulously. and i will look darned chirpy and cheerful. pride. man. sigh. :)

where is the simple joy i felt in Laos when i saw my students knowing how to place their capital letters and full stops? it's trivial, i know. it's so not intellectual stimulation, i acknowledge. but i felt so validated as a teacher. why don't i get this feeling more often in Singapore?

life is a minefield of complexities and a hotbed of stress in Singapore. i have come to terms with that. just that sometimes, i reminisce too fondly about mai pen rai and bopenyang and wonder why Singaporeans can't live their lives differently

how not to be results-oriented in Singapore?

i am 28 this year. i don't know if i should quit teaching to try out something else. i would love to be a project manager at SIF so that i can liaise with overseas NGOs and help them. it's like this now-or-never dilemma. on one hand, i wanna teach for some more years so that i will hit the 5 year mark and be eligible to teach voluntarily under SIF. on the other hand, if i don't get out of teaching now, surely my market value will deteroriate once i hit 30. omg. which employer would hire me instead of some young upstart?

existential confusion. quarter-life crisis. haha.