during the weekend, i wondered if i could muster the energy to scold some sense into 114. was kinda prepared to let things go.

upon chasing EOM from this guy, he did two things that put me in a very very foul mood.

1. "I did not prioritise Project Work"
2. he raised his voice at me

so, i began the class with a "i don't care if you think i am a bitch."
and proceeded to scold quite a number of people:
syamya, wai dek, xiangren, menghang, farhan, aromatherapy grp, hui ching, shamala

what surprised me was the ferocity and intensity of my reprimanding. i was able to sustain it for 5 mins? 10 mins?. i needed to catch my breath because so many things were rushing through my mind and i couldn't vocalise them fast enough. and i was able to bounce from person to person without missing a beat

i was surprised at how articulate i sounded even though i was so angry.

i made syamya cry and stepped on wai dek's tail by intruding into his personal life.
i was rational enough to take a break and apologised to them for being "brutally honest" and "stepping across the line".

michelle and guan yu commented that a teacher should not intrude into a student's personal life, at least not in front of the entire class. point taken.

but while i would refrain from doing so in the future (i think), i have no regrets

********

is this how teachers gradually turn cynical and disillusioned? their idealism and resilience eroded bit by bit til they are emotionless robots going through the motions

i don't want. i don't want. this is not why i joined teaching

******

feeling ambivalent now. i feel sad that i had to resort to shouting to bring my point across
i feel glad that i am able to step up to the mark and scold them when it matters. because i firmly believe that no one will tolerate such mistakes, such attitude, such crap in the working world
i feel dazed. the shouting took a lot from me.
i feel confused. am i really able to make a difference? why is it that i can care so much when they don't give a darn themselves?
i feel amused that i can actually shout at people.
ultimately, i feel puzzled about why i can't be proud of 114. they are decent kids. i know quite a number of their "in" jokes. but they make me angry most of the time. and i compare them to the non academically inclined kids i met in chong boon and wonder why they are so immature and lament the fact that i have to take so much crap.

*******

i suppose the lesson ended well as i made it a point to make digs at them and crack lame jokes and smooth the tension.

i saw wai dek smile and he even contributed a "pseudo-culture" towards the end of the class

that's it: no hard feelings. and i pray i stay this way.

*******

saras: 'cher, next time when you want to scold the group, scold me also lar. i felt very left out.

HAHA