Before the big 3-0 (II)

I never had the appetite for business.

To be honest, I don't think male teachers get a lot of respect in Singapore, if I can generalise what my student once uttered to be a sentiment held commonly: "Like you meh. Still teach in YJC". I never did let him finish that thought because I hastily interrupted, "Excuse me. I am moving on to SP". Ha!

Now, he wasn't being malicious. I think he thinks that teachers don't actually amount to much.

A sentiment shared by Ricky, my kor from NS days who once tried very hard to make me think about setting up my own business, using himself--the O level graduate who earns a five-figure sum--as an example and volunteering to find me contacts. He said bluntly that he thought I was a little selfish for not wanting to aspire to a greater life. How can my mum hold her head up high when her son is "just a teacher"?

Now, he wasn't being malicious.

But since I have always wanted to have a job that allows me to interact with people from all walks of life, I am quite happy to be a salaried employee, for if I become my own boss, won't my contacts be limited to people working in the same industry? How will I gain wisdom from people who are living lives so drastic from mine?

I don't really care if people feel that I am not living up to my potential (whatever that means), as long as I am learning stuff and doing cool stuff in my job.

Something however stirred in me while I was finishing up Chem tuition this Tuesday. It suddenly seemed to me so ridiculous that the happiest part of the day, 7-9pm be darned, was my "CCA".

I do like my work at SP. It's just that over the past year, I have grown to realise that the way I function best is with small groups of students who have devoted single-mindedly to learning from me for that period. No need for classroom discipline. No need to strategise about the best time to give breaks so that the lesson won't be disrupted. Solid, intensive work for 1-2 hours straight. Po Bronson once wrote that when he was starting out as a writer, he was very humbled that his professor, a dying AIDS patient, steadfastly invested 2 hours every week, painstakingly going through his every sentence and imparting to him the mechanics of good writing.

I thought it was awfully noble of that professor but now, I am not so sure. It's very gratifying and flattering to realise that I am the one who is opening their eyes to the fundamentals of chemistry. That I am setting their foundation right, something that they can tap on regardless of the educational route they undertake in the future. And with the hindsight of age and experience, I can confidently lead the reins and guide students on a journey, showing them how the chemistry concepts are inter-related.

I am a better Chem tutor than I was last year. And I will only get better, in time to come.

With my credentials in English, I am confident that I won't fumble too badly if I just quit SP and open my tuition centre and go all out to secure students. My seven-month stay at SP has whetted my appetite for enterprise, simply because what Ricky said to me makes more sense as the days go by: If you are investing so much energy and effort in something, that something ought to be some thing you can call your own.

Hell Yes, as a man, I need this some thing to validate my existence.

Except that the thing that brings me joy, the thing that I am good at isn't something I particularly want to do as a full-time job. The world is so big. I know I will feel trapped within the four walls of my tuition centre and pine for the good ole days of email ping pong-ing in SP because it allowed me to meet people.

And Yes, I should give myself one tight slap. Am I unnecessarily complicating my life with my dos and don'ts?

So, I remain a salaried employee. A satisfied but restless one.

Before the big 3-0 (I) (Jan 09)

I have come to a stage in life where I think blogging is self-indulgent and lack the motivation to blog because nothing exciting enough happens anyway but I was looking at an ex-student's reflection for 2009 and his conviction behind his smooth-flowing words stirred the impulse in me to write now.

I think it's fitting to start this with a reference to an ex-student since the question that has consumed me last year was this: Do I regret spending my youth--the best years of my life--as a teacher?

It's a question hard for me to answer, especially since I went for a 4-hour writing test with Singapore Press Holdings (SPH). I resolved to be a journalist since sec 2 and that writing test seemed to be my last-ditch effort to make this adolescent dream a reality.

Indeed, this is when I learnt how determined I could be, for in the weeks after the verbal interview with SPH (I passed the writing test!), I called nearly every week to ask the HR personnel if I was selected as a translator. I wanted it so badly; this is the first time in which I felt for myself how this instinct to go seize what you want! was wired into my DNA as a descendant of the primitive caveman.

I didn't get a confirmation (or rejection, for that matter) from SPH after all. Ironically, maybe it worked out for the best that I didn't get a call after all, for I wouldn't then have to choose between SPH and SP. I will never, never forget how my director generously remarked "so, SP is lucky to have you" after I confessed to her that SPH never got back to me. No matter how overworked I am in SP this year, I shall hold on to that and try my best not to complain, for it's one of those remarks that cut straight to my core and warmed me to bits.

I guess it's fitting also that I spent two weeks as an exchange student at the Beijing Language and Culture University. It's nice to just sit back and observe a fellow professional and think about how well she was teaching. The Chinese professors follow the conventions of a successful lesson quite naturally--they detailed learning objectives, summed up the lesson by giving a task and followed up on the task the next lesson. More importantly, they appeared to be knowledgeable on their subject area and if there's one thing I'm impressed about the Chinese, it's the way they appear so profound and cultured with their liberal use of cheem-sounding bombastic phrases. To some end, it kinda fired me up to want to do better after I returned to Singapore.

I was about to end this with a comment about how gratified I felt yesterday when I saw how some of my students' RWP reports were shaping up but as I was writing this, I was chatting with Sophea, my tour guide in Cambodia who was also an ex-teacher. Before long, we were swopping horror stories regarding the woes of teaching. Apparently, in Cambodia, some school principals punish teachers who are unable to finish the syllabus at the end of the year. There is even a running joke about how parents will fail to give the teacher credit when their children are performing well but will readily pinpoint the blame on him when their children don't do well. Sounds familiar?

"Teachers lead sad and tragic lives everywhere," I commented, only half in jest.

I guess I feel that I have not yet "conquered" teaching. So, it is all right if I am still in teaching. I'm not so sure whether this justifies the heartaches and qualifies as youth well-invested but I think I am coming to be at peace with myself these past few months. It's a comfortable feeling.

My fairytale ending regarding combat shoot (Not) (Dec 09)

"I think Kaile doesn't mind either way, " Kai Wei, my platoon mate confidently announced his assessment of me when asked to guess which members of the section had opted to reshoot the combat shoot.

"Hey, I wanted to reshoot!" I protested but secretly wondered if my easy-going demeanour was so apparent to someone whom I had only met for the third time and not for an extended period of interaction either.

But I could see where Kai Wei was coming from. Hell, I surprised myself too by wanting to reshoot. My track record prior to this combat shoot wasn't exactly what one would call glamourous. My Officer Commanding once half-chided in exasperation, ""Your scores for your various trials are so random that I don't know what to make of them". Now, not only was I a bobo shooter but I was an inconsistent bobo shooter. So inconsistent that my experienced Officer Commanding couldn't think of ways to redeem my performance, much as he wanted to boost the number of men who attained marksman for their ATP.

His words were so impactful that I was rather nervous when I knew that this In-Camp Training only comprised rifle training. Of course, I had passed the conversion course to SAR21 two years ago but 1. when you are fast approaching 30, two years feels like half a generation, 2. let's not mince our words, we all know how idiot-proof these SAF tests are and 3. I had still never handled SAR21 in a live firing and was particularly concerned that I would choke if I had to rectify IAs on the spot. My hands shaking, leading to a misfire--not a pretty thought.

But somehow I didn't hyperventilate and marched out there to do my day combat shoot, along with the rest of my section mates. Maybe it was the nod Jie Wen cast my way before we commenced the fire-and-movement. I did need time to adjust; I took too long to focus and fired off my last shoot just as the target board was coming down during my first station.

Aside from that lone shot, I got the rest of them in the bag. 19/20.

My section's combined score? 117/140. Not spectacular, true but still eligible for marksmanship.

Our night shoot was when our hearts got broken for the first time. Directly after our shoot, we were informed that we missed the requirement for marksmanship by only 3 shoots. Which was ironic, because one of us returned 3 live rounds due to an IA. He promptly apologised for that, feeling that he had let the section down while we pooh-poohed his apology aside, valiantly stating that no one was to be blamed, that it was fate that we didn't get marksmanship.

My dejection felt more raw because what if I had been the bobo shooter who got a single digit for his night shoot and dragged the entire section down with him? It's surreal--this kind of emotional ambivalence that I felt. On the one hand, I wished desperately for someone to announce our individual scores so that I could know how I had screwed up and started apologising profusely to my section. On the other hand, I prayed that the scores would never be announced so that no one would ever find out who the "culprit" was.

That's why I surprised myself (and Kai Wei) by replying in the affirmative when our section huddled together and Jie Wen asked each of us if we ought to fight for an opportunity for a reshoot. By wanting another opportunity to improve my shooting score rather than dismiss it altogether. And I sounded quite assertive about it too.

The reshoot felt so nervewracking that I wondered what the heck I had let myself in for. Nonetheless, I breathed and shot and did what I could. I thought I shot better.

An officer announced that we attained marksmanship, to our obvious euphoria. It really felt like one of those movies in which the underdogs persevered and fought hard and eventually triumphed, winning the state championship or whatsoever. I, for one, definitely felt great that I didn't succumb to nerves.

This tale should have ended here but in yet another ironic twist of fate, it was announced the next day that our section had not attained marksmanship after all. The officers had miscalculated the score. In fact, we performed worse than our first shoot.

I got 13/20 for our night shoot, so I wasn't the weakest link. Phew. Though as relieved as I was, my heart got shattered all over again. I'm not kidding or being dramatic. I don't even know why I care that we attain marksmanship; it is definitely not because of the $200. Maybe, as a typical Singaporean who's accustomed to (external) validation, I just wanna feel that our whole day's labour wasn't in vain after all.

Though I didn't get financially rewarded, I quite enjoyed this experience for making me feel like a part of a team, a larger entity. It's nice to feel that we literally charged forward and as one, in hopes to attain a dream. And not having chiong sua-ed together with my section mates during their active days, it's gratifying to know that finally, I had a shared experience with them.

"Now that you're a part of our section, maybe next ICT you should sleep in our bunk,"

This feeling of solidarity? Priceless

16 random thoughts after 4+ months in SP (Nov 09)

1. Lesson preparation is killing me. Gone are the days when I can swagger into a classroom with a comprehension passage. But it's nice to be able to show videos and organise mini debates in class. I'm quite impressed with the way today's teens are just so eager to engage in debate.

2. Some colleagues say I look rejuvenated and emit a glow after the Beijing Immersion Programme. Haha.

3. My favourite breakfast is the teh and bread set at Foodcourt 4. I like to order breakfast there, sit at my preferred seat and read Today and My Paper. Pity I could only do this during the term break.

4. It amazes me how some poly kids appear so street smart and wise in the ways of life when they're only 17-18. On a similar note, I think my resume pale in comparison to some of their resumes although they're a decade younger than me. Must buck up!

5. Spent two Saturdays supervising students who went through a workshop on Social Innovation. Must read up more on this framework.

6. I'm formulating my impressions of people who come from different schools. Stereotypes may be a form of sweeping generalisation but I think it's true that there are certain personality traits for students from various schools.

7. My life is compartmentalised into two-hour slots, be it lesson or meeting. Life is starting to fall into a routine and it comforts and depresses me at the same time.

8. I published a handbook for the immersion trip. Took three revisions and precious hours of my youth. Thought it was a good career achievement even if people have thrown away the handbook:)

9. I need to learn the art of giving appropriate fillers/responses when people are briefing me. Think my "Hmmm" sounds a tad forced.

10. My room mate processes information very fast. "Sorry, guys need time to think" is fast becoming my catchphrase. I am learning a lot of things from her. She thinks like a guy actually and always has the big picture in mind--something that I lack because of my lack of exposure? Sigh.

11. Interviewed a student at 11.30pm yesterday to get vital information to carry out a lesson today. Lucky for the fact that I like to do crazy things.

12. Realise that I do have some autonomy and am not a messenger as I thought I was.

13. My colleagues have interesting anecdotes to share! Gamar shared her experiences of reporting news during the Asian tsunami and I was thinking, there's no way I could match this. Another colleague knows Tan Kheng Hua and Lim Yu Beng personally. Even my students have undergone a dialogue session with Teo Ser Luck.

14. Going for a seminar next Monday that is conducted by Donald Tsang. Woah. Cool!

15. Perpetually wondering if the things I'm experiencing now will make me an engaging conversationalist because I will then have loads of interesting stories to share. Actually, I'm for the opinion that work ennobles one. I like the idea of putting in effort to earn one's keep even if I whine too much that poly lecturers do not lead an easy life. :)

16. Think it's so awesome my Chong Boon kids are studying in SP and we have a common language due to the modules they have to take. Pity I don't get to teach them.