someone said to me tonight,
"ya, i don't know you well but i don't think you would stay in teaching".

i'm quite stunned.

We all like to believe that we are hard-core. We grit our teeth under the ravages of life-silently, of course-because in the presence of others, we act stoic, casually nonchalant, even defiant in the face of adversity. Maybe our competitive streak compels us never to reveal our vulnerability. Maybe we feel obliged to showcase our resilience, determined to rise above life's speeding curveballs. Or maybe we are masochists, secretly liking the pain, for it proves that we are living.

And so, we keep on breathing, never wondering why we can't be soft-core.

~~~~


i wasn't very impressed with Grey's Anatomy at first. it just seemed like a glorified version of a soap opera, what with everyone sleeping with everyone. woah! so busy, their personal lives! i really can't fathom how people can just hop from one bed to another within the span of one season. gosh, is this really life in the West?

but it kinda grew on me. some lines i took to, for i thought they applied to my current state of mind.

"I went soft"
"Mistakes are painful but they are there to help us learn who we are"
"I need a reason to hold on to"

I also grew to like the voiceovers at the beginning and end of each episode. ya, i know that Sex And The City has these voiceovers as well but i like how these voiceovers make me feel that it's okay to meander clumsily through life, that it's okay to struggle and not know all the answers. it comforts me. i don't have to be this insufferable know-it-all i sometimes/mostly am in front of my students. haha.

sometimes, i feel quite resentful that i am teaching GP. in recent times, i think it boils down to how my kiddos won't take GP as seriously as other subjects because it's a H1 subject after all. i get quite riled up when they say how mock papers are a waste of time or how they never get around to studying because they're prioritising other subjects. i did study for GP during my time. i know i would have put in more effort if i were in their shoes now. and i am not saying this because i teach GP. i say this because i know i can be quite disciplined if i drop my laid-back ways.

i do realise that i can't expect them to be me. and as a fellow Singaporean, i get them. they're just being pragmatic after all. we are all just products of the Singaporean educational system and societal climate. they are not to be blamed. no one is. it's just the grind of everyday survival.

only, i don't know if this is something i will ever get used to.

so, why am i still constantly developing notes when i quite recognise that not many people would spare the effort to read and digest them?

the reason is quite elementary, my dear Watson. because i want to see myself as hard-core. hahaha. '.'

i have 50 essays and application questions to mark this weekend.

sometimes, i think it's tragic how my life has come down to. numbers that entail mind-numbing marking.

~~~
i want to explore where my life is going, philosophise about my identity right now but i have neither the words nor the mood for that. like, i wanna write a lengthy post but i am now hesitating and think, "what is there really to say anyway?
i hope this doesn't mean that i have lost the fire within me. hahaha.

~~~
direct instruction (aka spoonfeeding) does help. i see tangible results of how some students have applied those insights in their mock papers. it's comforting, i suppose.

~~~
i don't think that the worth of a life is measured in terms of the projects he has to show for his labour at the end of the day. i wanna do things-meaningful, impactful things-but i don't think every day is meant to be full of adrenalin and excitement. i don't need to be consumed within a passion to prove to myself that i am living. i can be-and am-quite contented with the mundane. watching House and Grey's Anatomy. reading Playing for Pizza. receiving my daily dose of gossip on realitynewsonline.com. going for Remedial Training.

i think my days aren't half-bad. but i feel a void.

it's like i wanna watch my dvds but also wanna attend more enrichment courses so as to expand my repertoire of knowledge and skills. i'm quite glad that i signed up for the translation diploma. if only there is one more thing that i am embarking on.

that's it, isn't it? the continual hunger for this one more thing

~~~


i like the cover of this one. glad that i recently finished this.

Like Steve Jobs says, "Stay hungry. Stay foolish." :)

Evaluate the claim that people need the arts more than the sciences.
Does religion still have a place in our scientific world today?
Should ethical concerns come second to pragmatism in science?
Instead of the pursuit of truth, science has become the pursuit of profit. Do you agree?

~~~
It's only Tuesday but I have already gone through these four questions with six groups of students. My sessions end at 4.30pm in which the staffroom will be almost emptied of staff.

I wonder why I am putting myself through this.

I could lessen the mundaneness by going through different questions but I believe there are certain huge concepts they need to have a basic grounding in.

It's a good thing that I am quite stubborn. And it helps that different groups will dissect the questions with fresh eyes, giving me stimulus to elaborate on their points.

here's hoping they are seeing how to construct better arguments...:)

'Uniquely Singapore' is true because

we live in HDB flats

Singapore is not a 'city of possibilities' because

there's a limit to how many foreign talents we can attract.

The world is an unhappy place to live in because

it's very uncomfortable these days as our surroundings are getting warmer due to global warming.

thank goodness I enforced the consultations. haha.

~~~
Translation 101: The emperors refuse to study for GP while the eunuch is worrying.

well done, Mr Heng! 12.30am now and suddenly I feel the urge to blog.

I think one of the things that I appreciate most about being a GP tutor is my enhanced ability to construct a musing from random pieces of information. kinda like puzzle solving, i guess except that i am working with pieces from disparate puzzles.

lame analogy aside, various things struck my mind recently

an hour break before the next consultation and i found myself pondering about life with joseph, le lin and jacintha. never expected le lin to be so cautious about weighing her options-always thought she's a bit of a daredevil. jac's apprehensive about making the wrong choice while joseph was amused at how pragmatic they sounded.

it's tragic how i only got to talk cock sing song with my students after their graduation ceremony. but well, better late than never. it made me realise how i don't have inhibitions when i really set my mind to do something. i mean, it just doesn't affect me whether i would have sufficient money set aside for my health care costs.

a colleague told me today how he placed $18k as downpayment for his new car. This is exactly why I don't want to buy a car. The very thought of not being able to travel hurts, almost literally. This i know, because I found myself envious as I patronised my ex-CT's blog and read how she is gonna teach in Scotland (Way to go, Kelly!). It ouch-ed a bit more. I wanna marry my work and joy for travel together too! Beijing was good but not the best. Laos was the best but I wanna travel further!

ya, I'm trying to find peace in the here and now too. i'm largely contented, i think but there's this hunger for adventure within me that appears to be insatiable. i hope it remains controllable so that it doesn't destroy me one day. haha.

another colleague remarked how she does things so as not to let herself emo too much. so, she woke up at 4am to prepare for her consultation sessions. it's like, woah! i am not so sure if i am an advocate of using work to suppress one's emotions. i mean, i kinda like to emo even if i am exasperated about the lack of clarity and direction my life is going:) there you go, i am process-oriented. i wonder how i turned out to be that way since Singapore is so freaking result-oriented.

someone i know wrote about how she feels she disappointed her kids. feelings of guilt kinda stirred at me when 218 was still merrily cracking jokes during the consultation. i figure, it's crunch time, you know? i would have split them into two groups if it weren't for students from another class. 218 probably saw it as a golden opportunity to relieve stress and enjoy one another's company but ya, i should have known better. i would never never have consultations with such a big group of them again.

i think the sulkiest part about being a teacher is that when you lack time, you have to prioritise who to direct your energies on. focus on securing the quality grades, a friend advised. but it goes against my intuition. i would much rather distribute fair attention to everyone, even if one group does not benefit as much as other groups. i like it that i feel that i am trying my best and my best is good enough because the rest is up to each individual to pull their socks.

ironically, i feel that i have more time and space to emo and reminisce about life when my kids are engrossed in arguably the biggest challenge of their lives. ha!


photo of the day: new school uniforms for YJ?

The (Second or) Last Lesson with CTG 207/218/229

It was a lesson on Life. My favourite kind of lesson:)

You know you like conducting a lesson when you don't tire of revisiting Steve Job's commencement speech 3 times in a week but instead listen to it with the same rapt attention you did when you first encountered it.

Mr Heng's life isn't as inspirational as Steve Job's but i hope my students sensed how a typical product of the Singapore education system and society tries to take Job's advice to heart and struggles to see if this is indeed applicable in our context.

wa, macham like AQ answering. Haha.

2.5 years into teaching, I can honestly say I don't regret my decision. Although there are larger forces beyond my control, I like the process of meeting different kinds of personalities, getting to know them and interacting with them. Although I dread asking the third class to highlight conjunctions and punctuation marks yadda dadda, I feel okay-maybe even energised-once I'm in the classroom.

I never expected to meet interesting students in my profession. It's true what educators say--You learn with your students and from them as well.