eric was this guy i came across in chong boon sec

happened to meet him recently and he shared that his father was recently declared bankrupt. he needs to earn his own livelihood

so, he's now working many hours at MacDonalds, skipping school twice a week, losing contact with his friends, letting his results slide, getting into trouble in school with his anger management issues, avoiding home because he doesn't want to face his loveless family, skipping meals because he wants to make his fortnightly Macdonalds salary last, recovering from a persistent cough

despite all this shit, he could still laugh and smile sheepishly when we were eating supper

being conservative, i didn't like it when he expressed thoughts of not going to poly and signing on as a Macdonalds manager directly after his O levels instead. but i am humbled by the way he is taking charge of his life with such dignity, fortitude and spirit. the worst thing one can feel as a teacher is the feeling of helplessness. that someone needs you but you can't be around for him.

then again, who says eric needs my help? he is doing so fabulously on his own. Power to him.

******

i have come to the conclusion that some people just don't want to be helped

i give up

*******


taking this photo was the highlight of today. now, i got to find the 4 kittens that the YJ cat recently gave birth to. woohoo!

will i stay on in teaching after 3 years?

if i seek to be a travel journalist/photojournalist, will it be too late?

will the above 2 photos be worthy enough to be part of my portfolio? haha

this cutie was actually jumping around and doing somersaults with the toy excitedly. too bad i couldn't capture the moment. haha.

歌曲：认输
张震岳

长越大原来单纯的快乐
已不再我们身边很久
为什么匆匆忙忙的出门
回到家面对电视发呆
不管下雨太阳早就不会感动
盲目的在奔跑
累了也不知道
再多喝几杯酒
以为就是解脱
那答案是什么
原来自己不聪明
原来什么都没有
原来应该了解的道理
现在才知道
原来输给了时间
原来输给了自己
原来错
长越大原来单纯的快乐
已不再我们身边很久
为什么匆匆忙忙的出门
回到家面对电视发呆
不管下雨太阳早就不会感动
盲目的在奔跑累了也不知道
再多喝几杯酒以为就是解脱
那答案是什么
原来自己不聪明
原来什么都没有
原来应该了解的道理
现在才知道
原来输给了时间
原来输给了自己
原来错在不承认失败
谁可以原谅我
原来自己不聪明
原来什么都没有
原来应该了解的道理
现在才知道
原来输给了时间
原来输给了自己
原来错^-^
原来自己不聪明
原来什么都没有
原来应该了解的道理
现在才知道
原来输给了时间
原来输给了自己
原来错在不承认失败
谁可以原谅我
原来自己不聪明
原来什么都没有
原来应该了解的道理
现在才知道
原来输给了时间
原来输给了自己
原来错在不承认失败
谁可原谅我哦~~~~~```

125's Sharon asked me if i would want to go and sing karaoke with them next Mon

which happens to be the eve of their GP exam

seriously lar, you know. how would i ever want to go?!

i can't interfere with their life outside school but the fact that they are paying such scant regard for my subject just saddens

of course, i didn't study for GP myself, except for the month leading up to the A levels

retribution. 啼笑皆非

*****

114 were studiously copying whatever i wrote on the board. first time ever. quite shocking.

can tell that menghang likes geography. since he quite readily volunteered insights instead of giving me this "oh-i'm-so-deep-in-thought-but-nothing-pops-out" look.

and for the first time, desmond, who doesn't take geography, looked confused and was out of his element. hilarious.

i am really 犯贱. yesterday, i was feeling drained. today, i was feeling at ease with them.

犯贱. haha

from guan yu's blog

what happened next was unexpected. really unexpected. turned out that mr heng wasnt exactly pleased with some of the groups/group members and kinda let it all out right infront of all of us. not that his anger was unfounded. felt that some of our classmates could have reacted in a less offensive way. personally feel that the 'control freak' part was kinda uncalled for. i mean, in my opinion, i really think that whatever you say to someone should totally depend on the character of the person. for some, a simple 'no' will do the trick, while for some you need more than that, perhaps a ' do you realise what you're doing will blah blah blah '. im kinda sure that syama belongs to the former =\ tell me if im wrong but oh wells. then again, that aint the whole point. just my 1cent's worth.

as for mr heng, i really felt that he didnt wanna shoot it all out at us. i mean, you could see his hands trembling, breathing deeply, looking at certain areas of the class which feels less intimidating and lastly, the inconsistency in his voice. he was clicking and clicking his finger nails while letting it all out. 1 thing he said today, " no one will tell u what to do in society ". you learn through experience, and this is what PW is all about i guess. and i later learn, that he actually wanna not let it all out but due to the sudden presence of a catalyst, u know. oh wells. haiyah.

from menglee:

you were too angry
dun scold them when u were the angriest
let it cool a bit then we are more composed
u wan do it cos u wan them to learn

********
apparently, scolding is a skill any teacher worth his salt should acquire

during the weekend, i wondered if i could muster the energy to scold some sense into 114. was kinda prepared to let things go.

upon chasing EOM from this guy, he did two things that put me in a very very foul mood.

1. "I did not prioritise Project Work"
2. he raised his voice at me

so, i began the class with a "i don't care if you think i am a bitch."
and proceeded to scold quite a number of people:
syamya, wai dek, xiangren, menghang, farhan, aromatherapy grp, hui ching, shamala

what surprised me was the ferocity and intensity of my reprimanding. i was able to sustain it for 5 mins? 10 mins?. i needed to catch my breath because so many things were rushing through my mind and i couldn't vocalise them fast enough. and i was able to bounce from person to person without missing a beat

i was surprised at how articulate i sounded even though i was so angry.

i made syamya cry and stepped on wai dek's tail by intruding into his personal life.
i was rational enough to take a break and apologised to them for being "brutally honest" and "stepping across the line".

michelle and guan yu commented that a teacher should not intrude into a student's personal life, at least not in front of the entire class. point taken.

but while i would refrain from doing so in the future (i think), i have no regrets

********

is this how teachers gradually turn cynical and disillusioned? their idealism and resilience eroded bit by bit til they are emotionless robots going through the motions

i don't want. i don't want. this is not why i joined teaching

******

feeling ambivalent now. i feel sad that i had to resort to shouting to bring my point across
i feel glad that i am able to step up to the mark and scold them when it matters. because i firmly believe that no one will tolerate such mistakes, such attitude, such crap in the working world
i feel dazed. the shouting took a lot from me.
i feel confused. am i really able to make a difference? why is it that i can care so much when they don't give a darn themselves?
i feel amused that i can actually shout at people.
ultimately, i feel puzzled about why i can't be proud of 114. they are decent kids. i know quite a number of their "in" jokes. but they make me angry most of the time. and i compare them to the non academically inclined kids i met in chong boon and wonder why they are so immature and lament the fact that i have to take so much crap.

*******

i suppose the lesson ended well as i made it a point to make digs at them and crack lame jokes and smooth the tension.

i saw wai dek smile and he even contributed a "pseudo-culture" towards the end of the class

that's it: no hard feelings. and i pray i stay this way.

*******

saras: 'cher, next time when you want to scold the group, scold me also lar. i felt very left out.

HAHA

over MSN

chiahao: thks to ur naggings, erm i mean, knowledgeable words said by you, i think i have become more matured but not mature

okay, i know it's darn lame to blog such a trivial matter here but it's nice to know that you have contributed to someone's growth?

PW Insights and Reflections

It has been an interestingly stressful week

Tues
--growled at 114 because they were still lacking in urgency for fri's deadline and making noise in the comp lab

Wed
--continued to be fierce and give curt instructions to 114. but was actually half-angry because i had to research to make sense of one group's development
--shouted at another group for not editing one portion of their WR. well, that was a knee-jerk reaction and in retrospect, i could have controlled my temper. but the thing was that i did not even want to control my temper because i feared they would still be taking things easily otherwise. so, that's that. it turned out that i wronged them. think that some of the girls are still sore for me for shouting at them. oh well

Thurs (the battleground day!)
--was frantically trying to get 125 groups up to par. i felt like a general, directing how the battle was to be fought.

"Compile your references!"
"Do your contents pg!"
"Help me touch up this part"
"I need you to brainstorm for limitations"
"Search for interesting pictures now!"

Not too shabby for a newbie teacher, fresh out from NIE because i think for the most part of their time, they were meaningfully engaged in something that contributed to the Written Report

i loved that night because the process was painful but we were going through this together. because i knew that i could depend on them.

Fri
--took neoprints with 125 (as above)

Now that PW has closed a chapter, i don't find it so much of a drag. haha. It allowed me to understand my kiddos better and realise the cracks in their class dynamics. It helped me sieve out the trustworthy kiddos from the unreliable ones. It made me feel touched when i saw them helping one another even though they belonged to different groups. It humbled me when some are working hard for PW when they are in (grave) risk of being retained because of their loyalty towards one another. It steadied my nerves when some of my non-PW students voluntarily shared their perspectives. It made me feel proud because they rose to the occasion with interesting ideas and self-made graphics under pressure and time constraints

It showcased CHARACTER.

Further on, I had trouble with my Evaluation of Materials. All i found was irrelevant articles. After some guidance by my teacher, i persevered on til the middle of the night and finally found a relevant speech article. Even so, my analysis on the article was not up to standard. I received many constructive comments from my teacher and wrote many drafts. i learnt that it is important to include evidences and to be innovative in my suggestions for my EOM. It was not easy at all.

After completing my EOM, I felt that I had achieved something.

********

My student wrote this as part of his Insights and Reflections. I don't know whether he meant it but if he did, then i feel like i have achieved something lor. haha

My student and her friend did this.

the more i look at this, the more i am impressed by its simplicity in design and profoundness in meaning

I wrote this on her blog:

i like this design becos i tink there's more depth to it. abt the too many strings part for 3, i interpreted as sun's rays and thought it neat to include an analogy abt how the doves r flying towards a brighter future

personaly i tink it's difficult to work wif something cliched like doves, for if u dont do it well, pple wd slam u for being cheesy. but i tot u n ching avoided this pitfall n tat ur designs wd resonate well wif ur future juniors.

actually i wanted to say that i found this classy but refrained from doing so because i didn't want her that i'm giving exaggerated empty praise. muahaha

Freaking mess

the nicest thing i heard during the Kagan workshop i had to attend this wednesday and thursday was a remark by this female teacher i met:

"during my first five years, i taught a lot of wrong things. but the kids know that you are trying"

a warm balm to my battered soul

I'll drop any pretences and admit that i'm darn freaking tired of PW. it's an endless cycle of work--EOM, WR, I & R, EOM, WR, you get my point

i have no right to complain. other YJ teachers had it worse, juggling 3 classes along with CT-ship. i only have 2 classes and am kinda flying under the radar for Student's Council (haha).

then why am i subjecting my kiddos to endless drafting? am i seriously ineffective in instruction delivery or what?

"see! you didn't follow the structure of the handout i gave the class"
"yes, you followed the structure but you wrote irrelevant things. rubbish!"
"i won't accept this example. this is too isolated!"
"who cares about your prospective interviewee? he is just a small fry!"
"this is freaking messy! i have to search for your points all over the place!"

it breaks my heart when i have to tell them that this is Band 4 work when they were so proud of themselves for churning out a WR

it breaks my heart when i look at some of their Block Test results and have to ask them to work harder for PW when they should be focusing on the immediate bread-and-butter issue of getting promoted to JC2

it breaks my heart when i know that most of them aren't great in GP but can't devote time to teaching them more GP because PW is a national examination. i dread the thought that some of them won't make it for their promos. but i can't have Band 3s on my conscience

it breaks my heart because i am both their GP and PW teacher and i can't give up because i have all they have and i won't give up because i don't like to think that i'm running away from my problems but the thought that my best may not be enough haunts me constantly

how?

well, a good night's sleep and tomorrow is another day. haha.

minnasan, gambatte!

i realised yesterday that one of my Chong Boonitez is taking antibiotics for a growth in his neck.

he assured me that the cancer he's suffering from is curable.

gulp. only 15!

sometimes, i need a jolt in reality to remind myself to count my blessings and not complain.

So, I went to Wu Bai and Zhang Zheng Yue's concert today

i deleted all the photos i took during the concert by mistake

i don't feel an acute sense of loss or even dismay

which is quite surprising, given that i rely too much on photos to remember the days by

hmmm....

anyway, this concert made me remember a couple of things:

a Straits Times review which i read before attending his 2000 concert. apparently, it reported that grown men were not unabashed to yell out, "Wu Bai, I love you!" and i remember thinking to myself that "wow, i definitely need to go to one of his concerts"

the reason why i like 被动 so much is because Wu Bai used this song as his encore item during his 2000 concert, which i was fortunate enough to attend

i actually wrote a "poem" after his 2000 concert. actually, i already dug up that poem and wanted to post it here but it sucked so badly that i refrained from posting it, even if i always aim to be disarmingly honest, because that mediocre effort really does not seem fitting of a GP tutor lar. hahaha. embarrassing. i aim to write a poem during this Sept holidays though so that i can say that i am a consistent creature. haha.

watching Jay Chou's concert with min, who was also my companion for today's event

*******

so many things have changed since 2000. i think personality-wise, i have changed quite a bit too. so, it's surreal and touching that i still like Wu Bai's music. it comforts me somewhat. i'm not sure why either. because of my long-lasting devotion and admiration? because of a yearning for regularities? because Wu Bai is still (okay, languishing) in the limelight?

So, I went to JB alone today.

I wonder if it's a sorry state of affairs since I didn't make a beeline for the funky (or flamboyant, depending on how you perceive my fashion sense:P) tees as I would have a few years back.

guess it's a rite of passage that i'm now very concerned about buying interesting working clothes.

i suppose my once-impulsive nature is also tempered by a need to perserve face. while i would have bought certain shirts for the heck of it, i controlled my urge because

i don't want YJCians to criticise my fashion sense behind my back. and one can't say that i don't have cause for worry because i have heard for myself how they made fun of teachers before.

my gosh, i wonder how my reputation's like. hahaha.

in particular, there's this white shirt with a flower design that really tempted me. it's unique and nice lar. but that will surely fuel rumours of me being gay. so, sadly i turned forcefully away from the shop.

haha. guess even kaile has to turn pragmatic one day.

hmm, would sit on it and buy that freaking shirt a month or so later if i pine for it.

********

i was reading the articles my students found on national identity and gracious society and had to admit to myself that GP appeals to the nerd in me. sad but true. :(

i understand why students find GP pointless but i feel GP is about understanding the world around you. and it's good to be in a profession that allows me to indulge my curiosity and be more informed lar. haha, because me kaypoh

ultimately i want to explore life and its many idiosyncracies. and i hope that after my time with them, my students will always be interested in how others communicate to their world.

On the Swirve Personality Test, I am a Healer. My Characteristics Chart: Extroverted Introverted Sensitive Intuitive Judgemental Perceptive Thinker Feeler Read more about Healers or take the Test yourself!