morning lesson
afternoon lesson
afternoon consultation

realised how i was emotionally spent today. didn't really have the mood to teach but think i conducted a reasonably purposeful lesson at the end

you know you really want something when you automatically start reflecting on how you could have done better. when the "whatifs" haunt you when you think you are concentrating on other matters

the serenity prayer suddenly came to my mind today

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change
the things I can and
the wisdom to know the difference.

Such a simple prayer but the wisdom!

Kai Le resolves to be brave and unflappable. like real.

this period has really made me think about how I want to lead my life. it's a good clarity call, i guess.

i think i am not as patient as i was in the past. a good wake-up call, kaile

I have been working tonight for quite some time. grading papers. planning lessons. preparing handouts. got certain things accomplished but I still feel like some malevolent force is gripping my heart, squeezing the life out of me.

I wish I don't have to lead this highly disciplined life. ticking off the to-do list one by one, strategising time to fulfill the remaining tasks, trying to remain on top of things.

in my final hour before bedtime, i decided to write this to The Straits Times.

~~~~~~~
Although I work as an English teacher, I will choose to speak Mandarin at home.

While the left brain in me appreciates how I can utilise the English Language to marshal my thoughts and write coherent commentaries systematically, I find that I leverage Mandarin more when it comes to matters of the heart, for I feel that it allows me to express my emotions that really reflects my inner core. The same goes for communicating with others. I use English to assert my views during formal meetings but readily switch to Mandarin in informal gatherings when I update friends on my life and ponder its direction.

My preference for Mandarin has little to do with the rise of China as an economic powerhouse. I like Mandarin for the way the rich spiritual and cultural psyche of the Chinese can be crystallised within 4-word idioms. I am grateful to Mandarin for expanding my mind as its emphasis on Confucian virtues neatly balances my belief in self-actualisation and autonomy-values that I have harnessed from the English-speaking world.

My proficiency in both languages allows me to be sensitive to Western and Eastern influences and to synergise the best, furthering my quest to become a balanced individual. And this is something I would not want my children to miss.

~~~~~~~~
Writing this actually helped to calm me down.

I love writing. I am the general; words are my weapons. And I command them to express something that is uniquely mine. I like the space it provides me to explore my thoughts. I like the sense of fulfillment i derive when i get something pinned down

I wonder if i have been able to transmit such passion for writing to my students. haha.

off to bed. tomorrow is the start of term 2. God bless. good luck. yadda dadda. :)

maybe it's fated but after my rant in my previous post, i got down to reading Chicken Soup for the American Idol soul and came upon this:

I think you just need to take some time off and let go. Work at your leasing job, write some songs-just be easy and see what happens.

i think the most frustrating thing about this job hunt is how control eludes me. but perhaps i just need to take more deep breaths and stop being so preoccupied with success/failure.

moving on...

living life dizzyingly this March holidays.
watched Suspect X on tuesday
sang ktv and watched Watchmen on wednesday
went to Danga City Mall via train today

quite pleased with myself, for Suspect X got me excited about the intricacies of the plot (I miss the old Kindaichi comics) and Watchmen was so much more superior to 300, hence exceeding my expectations. Plus, my movie buddy for Watchmen was a JC friend, whom I had not met for 2 years. We discussed the movie a while after we came out of the cinema, which was cool because most people usually move on to the next thing on the itinerary; it's like the movie is a filler activity instead of the main dish.

The city mall wasn't much to shout about. got to admit that i felt disappointed because i expected more vibrancy and a more productive shopping experience. but well, can't complain about the bowling, which costs a staggeringly low 2 ringgit per game. omg.



i achieved my personal best during my first game! three strikes and two spares. not too shabby for this soon-to-be-30 getriaic. :)



today also marked the first occasion in which i travelled overseas with my ex-students-people who had to seek permission from their parents before confirming if they were onboard. my gosh. felt a little embarrassed. but this is what makes travelling so cool, you see. even if JB is a run-of-the-mill experience for me, this trip was made more memorable by the very fact that it was my first time with this group of people.

hopefully, it won't be the last time. let's explore the world together:)



here's to a life lived!

feeling rotten about myself.

maybe it is due to the fact that i hastily wrote a response to a major question in 30 mins instead of the recommended one hour; therefore, i could only write based on my gut feel and was unable to think through and flesh out that response.

maybe it is due to the fact that i don't have the academic background to help me write a feature story or a news article in the proper manner. yes, i am teaching English at the pre-tertiary level. yes, some of my writing has been published in newspapers. i may be able to write but i don't know whether my approach fulfills the markers' expectations of good writing.

why didn't i study mass communications?

maybe i just feel sianz. i am not asking for much-just a job change. i am willing to start from scratch, willing to learn, willing to put in the time and submit quality work.

why can't people just offer me a job, even an internship position, instead of subjecting me to writing tests to deem if i am worthy?

does my teaching experience, heaven forbid, limit my options?

why does this search seem like it has existed forever? how much waiting can I wait?

but i won't, i won't, i won't give up. it is too late to turn back le.

" For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.

There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.

You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.
We can make the best or the worst of it.
I hope you make the best of it.
And I hope you see things that startle you.
I hope you feel things you never felt before.
I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live a life you're proud of.
If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. "

- Benjamin Buttons

~~~
kaile realised how much he was a product of AJ last weekend.

~~~
kaile is amused by how his ex-student might want to follow in his footsteps. getting old. :(

relished the spontaneous chat with Emily today. she was sharing her life experiences and i want to remember how nonchalantly unaffected she was regarding some family matters.

she declared (again) how much she loves teaching and i had to marvel at how she was fulfilled doing something she loved

she expressed contentment with the simple things in life (i.e. fishing) and i wondered about whether i should hold my wanderlust in check.

~~~
a decade ago, i went for a writing test by Singapore Press Holdings. Obviously, i didn't pass the test (look where i am now. heh)

today, i spent four gruelling hours on another writing test by SPH. it is funny how life can come full circle.

it seems fated because i wrote an essay on education again. time might have passed but the topics which i feel passionate about remain constant. heh.

i think i am more confident about my chances. it's quite nice to think back and feel that you have somewhat grown in this span of time, be it confidence level or writing proficiency

in any case, contrary to what i was expecting, i didn't feel like i had wasted four hours at the end of the test. regardless of the outcome, i am glad to have gone through this, especially when i was fighting fatigue near the end. of course, i fought hard to focus on crafting my response.

sometimes, the process is really more important than the outcome. because one feels this exhilaration of feeling alive:)

I am mainly blogging because I don't want the next time I blog to be about my reactions towards the release of the A level results.

Definitely starting to feel the heat. Of course, time takes away the sharp edges of memories and make them appear sweeter but I venture that I am feeling more anxious about this friday than I felt concerning my own A level results.

I can still recall the split moment in which I received my results slip. Guess that would flash past my mind in my dying moments too. haha.

in any case, the JC1s went on an adventure camp to Bintan recently. the coolest part of the camp was horse-riding!

which makes me remember about how much I wanted to learn horse-riding in the past. a dream, sadly relegated to the cobwebs of my mind, once pragmatism set in. sigh.

i would sign up for horse-riding once i am done with my translation course.:)